


if (you == me) {us}

by blankcamellia



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26113882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankcamellia/pseuds/blankcamellia
Summary: Hokuto kept hiding behind the ‘what if’ while Taiga kept waiting for the ‘if you’.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	if (you == me) {us}

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Sexy Zone's 名脇役, and I was determined to make it into a happy ending... I also tried a new format of the fic, hope it won't disturb anything! lol
> 
> Anyway, I'm overwhelmed by the number of comments I still have to reply to ;; ♥

It wasn’t like they were anything. Nothing special at least. Just the two of them. Him and Taiga. They were just Hokuto and Taiga. Nothing more.

Yet, to Hokuto, it meant so much more. It always did.

Their small chats during the night, right before bed, right before they turned off the lights and the world turned dark — those chats were the world to him. It made him feel like the world stopped, only for them. He could listen to Taiga’s soft voice through the phone, the static a comfortable noise along with the natural timbre of Taiga’s voice, and even though he sometimes didn’t listen to what the other said, it didn’t matter because the way Taiga giggled at him for being sleepy and unfocused always made his heart leap. Then, they always said good night, neither of them wanting to hang up but somehow, they did. The silence after they hung up always felt light and heavy at the same time.

To him, he wanted their little moment to last because it made him feel like he mattered. That he had this little special place in Taiga’s heart that wasn’t just because they were Taiga and Hokuto. That their little calls meant something more to Taiga too.

So, he didn’t know why he kept scrolling through his timelines, only to end up on the same profile every time. Or he knew why — because he always ended up looking at Taiga.

Beautiful, gorgeous, stunning Taiga.

He brushed his fingers lightly over the screen, imagining how it’ll feel to do it for real. He’s done it before but it wasn’t the same. He wanted to brush his fingers over Taiga’s soft cheeks, watch him close his eyes and lean into his touch, and then, smile gently at him, take his hand in his, and kiss it. Taiga in his dreams did that, Taiga in reality didn’t.

Nights would always end up the same, a beautiful nightmare — the kind he wanted to dream over and over again.

He kinda knew why it always hurt so bad whenever Taiga talked animatedly about someone he fancied at the moment. He just didn’t want to admit it. So, he put on a brave face for Taiga because they were friends, and friends are there for each other. Friends support each other in their search for happiness.

Even if it meant forsaking your own happiness.

For Taiga, he smiled, laughed, and even cried. With each low moment in Taiga’s life, Hokuto was there. He held his hand when there was no one else around, and guided him back on his feet, even his own feet stumbled, and when Taiga was stable and running again, he fell. It didn’t matter though because if it meant that Taiga was flying again, it was fine. Then he didn’t mind the way his lungs lost the ability to breathe, or the way the world always seemed so blurry and grey because his eyes cried rivers.

Of course, Taiga never knew. He wasn’t allowed to.

When Taiga’s next happiness came around the corner, he smiled again. He spoke the supporting words, gave his approval, and even went along to meet them. Every time, he could see why Taiga liked that person, why Taiga always let go of his hand when they arrived, and why that person made Taiga smile brighter than the sun. He understood that he had no place beside Taiga like that because he was only a friend.

But friends lasted, lovers didn’t. Maybe that also was a reason why he never said anything because he was afraid that he'd lose Taiga forever if he did. Especially when he watched how long someone else stayed in Taiga’s life.

So maybe, he was special after all.

To Taiga, Hokuto was his everything. Without him, he wouldn’t be able to function, for good and for bad. The more Hokuto cared, the more he clung onto the younger. With Hokuto, he felt he could do anything.

A simple touch from Hokuto and he felt like he could fly. A smile and all his sadness were gone. It’s why he always turned to Hokuto whenever he felt down because he knew that the other could comfort him, make him feel better.

He was in the search for his happiness, and whenever he thought he found it, it crashed. The brightness dulled, the colors faded, and he grew restless. The more he tried, the more he failed, and the more he felt like not trying anymore. Hokuto, on the other hand, always encouraged him. He always smiled and spoke the words he needed to hear. Told him that things sometimes didn’t last but that didn’t mean they were gone forever, so Taiga should keep on searching.

He always had a brief moment whenever Hokuto encouraged him where he thought “ _If only everyone were like you, then I would have found my happiness already.”_ But Hokuto was his friend, and as Hokuto said, friends lasted. Lovers didn’t. He still wanted Hokuto though. Things would be so much easier then.

But Hokuto always had this smile when he looked at him, and once, when he asked about it, why he always looked so sad, if there’s anything bothering him, Hokuto only said “ _It’s nothing._ ”

To Taiga, it had to be something because he never saw Hokuto look like that ever. If he could make Hokuto feel better, he would. So, he did the thing he thought was right and encouraged Hokuto too. Just like Hokuto always did to him.

_Somewhere in the world, there’s someone for you too, someone that’ll make you smile brighter than the sun._

He thought it was the right thing to do because Hokuto also deserved happiness. Even if it didn’t feel right with him to lose Hokuto. The place where Hokuto belonged was beside him. Like always. Maybe it was selfish of him to want that but it didn’t make him happy to know that Hokuto would be by someone else’s side one day.

_If you only felt the way I wanted you to feel._

Then, when they both were sad, they went out. They talked about it but never mentioned the cause for their sadness. They never said out loud who they were talking about.

Taiga never mentioned a name to Hokuto because lately, everything was about Hokuto. He didn’t make him sad to the point he would cry himself to sleep. He made him sad in the way he couldn’t explain with words. The happiness he felt whenever they called and talked for hours was everything, and no matter who he was with, no matter the time, he never failed to call Hokuto and tell him good night.

He kind of knew the answer to his feelings already but he kept thinking instead. Kept wishing.

If only Hokuto could be the one.

Hokuto had someone else on his mind though, so Taiga would be like Hokuto, and support him. He would smile whenever Hokuto admitted something, he would tease him whenever Hokuto blushed about something he said, and he would comfort him when Hokuto turned silent. He didn’t want to push for anything, he was fine with this.

Until he wasn’t.

Things weren’t the same anymore. Things weren’t the same when Hokuto suddenly would laugh at him, suddenly would speak to him at a pace he only talks when he’s really excited about something, and it all felt like hope. The faint glimmer of hope that Hokuto felt for him more than just a friend but then again, friends lasted. Lovers didn’t.

So what were they?

It felt like they were something more than just friends, not quite lovers. To Taiga, it felt like there was something between them. He couldn’t say what exactly but he knew one thing.

If Hokuto said anything and meant it, then he’d accept it.

Through the years, it was easy to stay the same, even when they disagreed. They drifted apart at times but they always, _always,_ returned to each other. Like waves returning to the shore.

It was easy to stand on the sideline, watching how Taiga went through relationship after relationship because he knew that one day, Taiga would turn around, and return to him. Nobody lasted. That’s why it was easy to bury feelings of love.

He would hear about someone for a while, someone he knew that Taiga had started to look at. Then, they would not meet up during the day as Taiga spent all his time with whoever he was with, while Hokuto spent his days at home, thinking about what Taiga was doing. If he was smiling, if he was having fun, or if he was falling in love. He would stand on his balcony, look out over the bustling city, and wonder to himself what if…

What if he said something, would Taiga look at him with those big sparkling eyes as he said yes? Would he smile at him, that smile that reaches his eyes and crinkles them?

What if they went out to the movies like they always did but this time they would hold hands as they walked down the streets? Would Taiga hold his hand tighter than he usually does? Would their fingers intertwine and fit perfectly together?

What if they stayed home and huddled close under blankets on the bed and shared stories about the world? Would it be any different from normal? Would the warmth from Taiga’s body close to his make him pull the other closer now that he was allowed to?

What if he kissed Taiga, soft and lovingly, with all his feelings and thoughts poured into one touch?

Then, he felt the wetness on his cheeks, and he realized he was crying.

_Ah, it’s impossible after all._

Scrubbing the tears away, ignoring the stabbing pain in his heart, he breathed out. He let go of his haunting feelings into the air, hoping that they’d reach Taiga somehow.

There was no reason to cling onto the what-ifs. Not when he was so content with the place he already had in Taiga’s heart. He really was content. Really.

Then, why did it hurt so much?

Wouldn’t this place as Taiga’s best friend be enough? Why did he yearn for the time to come when it would accidentally be exposed? These feelings of his.

Was it because he clung onto the what-ifs?

Because what if Taiga could be his…

When they went out, a night in the late summer, when the temperature had gone down a bit, when the summer breeze tickled their exposed skin, and when the stars were still bright, everything felt so right.

It was them, walking beside each other, nobody else was around, and Hokuto could listen to Taiga’s soft humming tune that filled the night. It was a mellow melody, and its notes painted their surroundings with warm colors.

It made Hokuto think about all the times they spent together, through thick and thin, and how absolutely normal it felt to be with Taiga.

He didn’t mind that they were both too stubborn sometimes, that they both spoke too soon sometimes, and got into heated discussions that had no end because no one wanted to back out. He didn’t mind that they went separate ways sometimes only to return because they missed each other. He didn’t mind that nobody else seemed to pale in comparison to Taiga.

Because in the end, he knew that there could only be Taiga. So he hoped that he'd stay by his side forever, even if it meant he’ll forever feel incomplete. Admitting it to himself at least, that it would be okay because Taiga was there even if also hurt. It would be fine to be the one Taiga ran to, only to be left behind again because Taiga would always return. So, it’s fine if he’s the only one hurting. As long as he could be by Taiga’s side.

_It’s fine._

It was why it was so easy to take Taiga’s hand in his, like they always do, hold it gently as they kept on walking. The streetlights barely gave them any light but Hokuto didn’t need it. He had Taiga, and he was the only light he needed. Holding the blond’s hand always calmed him down, and he knew that he wouldn’t want to hold any other hand ever.

He ignored the way Taiga turned to him, tilting his head and silently wondering what’s wrong. He ignored it because he didn’t want to say anything about it, playing it off as nothing, and wished Taiga would let it go, just like always.

But tonight, he didn’t.

Taiga stopped and tugged at his hand, and looked at him. His eyes are a mirror of his soul, and Hokuto could see the fleeting fear and worry. What was he afraid of? It was just them. It was nothing.

Time stood still as Taiga took a breath, sliding his fingers through Hokuto’s, and a shiver ran through his body. They fit perfectly - just like he imagined. He held Taiga’s hand tighter, trying to assure the older that it’s okay - whatever he wanted to say.

If Hokuto was to run away, he would do it with Taiga, and not alone.

He watched how Taiga closed his eyes, stepped a bit closer to him, and the world suddenly felt so small with Taiga in his personal space.

Then, he looked at him as he nervously scratched his neck and spoke.

Taiga spoke the words he never dared to say. The what-if he always dreamed of.

A giggle ran through him, unable to contain it, and his tears almost threatened to fall. Happiness surged through him like nothing else, and he didn’t have to cling to the what-ifs anymore.

From the bottom of his heart, and with his whole soul, he replied.


End file.
